Utopia Is Just A Word
by Trivher
Summary: Doc does some thinking during a call.


I don't own the show, characters, or song

**I don't own the show, characters, or song.However the story itself is mine.The song is called "Another World."**

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**--Utopia Is Just A Word.**

I used to love my job, to be a modern day Superman to save the day from all evil.A freshed face rookie eager to learn and get right out there.Years later, thousands of calls I just want to rip this cape off. Dead wives, drunk husbands, bleeding children; this isn't fun.But I see it everyday so often I fear that I am unable to feel emotion over it.

_She lives in one small room  
Over the convienent store  
She had big plans once  
She doesn't have them anymore_

A few minutes before the shift was to end we received a call and against Carlos objections responded. A crack house with he only occupants being drunk dealers and 2-dollar hookers.We had been here before and surely would be here again.On the third floor and a broken door I saw her.All dolled up ready for a night out on the town, the movies or dinner perhaps.At least that's where I hope she was off to and not the back seat of someone's car.She was dead.  
  
_Got lil' diamonds in her ears   
But she's got coal in her eyes  
It's been night so long now  
She doesn't think the sun will rise_

No hope, no medicine could change that.We didn't belong here; we're supposed to save them.Not bring out the body bags.Blood I see it everyday, at nearly every call and still can't get used to the sight of it.There's so much of it, so dark and gives a unique scent that you'll never watch away from your memory.One shot to the back of the head, thank God not at point blank range.This way she's able to keep her face and I don't have to see bones and muscle.Carlos was started to bitch and make comments, again not thinking of what should or shouldn't be said.He's wants to leave; the coroner will take care of the mess.I want; no I need to stay to understand her story and how she reached this point.I owed to her, all my other calls that I lost sympathy for, but I mainly I needed this.  
  
_And she askes  
This can't be all there is   
There must be something more  
There must be a better place_

Where were her parents?Did they miss and think about her?Or was she one of those run a ways that had been lost from their parent's love long before?Did she hate herself from leading a life such as this?In situations like this it ables yourself to say thank you for all your miracles granted to you.The kitchen pantry is empty one loaf of bread starting to mold lies on the counter.How long had that been her lunch and diner?Tonight's redohour might have been her ticket out, get paid enough money to buy a ticket to the other side f town.She could her ticket to the greatest place imaginable, still it didn't seem fair.  
  
_Looking for another world  
I'm not sure we should  
I'm not sure salvation lies there_

How I am to understand her decisions and those of one's just like her?I have never lived a day in those shoes, never saw the world from that position.Carlos has left to sit on the bus alone, away from me.Her hair was brown and matched her eyes; it was like a picture and not a person.Only if I had a large enough eraser to remove the blood stains.  
  
_There is bad as well as good  
So let us love each other now  
As if this world is all there is_

My first call and my last call of tonight end in death.I'm starting to think is there anything else?The patients could have been any different; ages, sex, race, circumstance, and social position.That doesn't matter those, none of it matters.Why do I go chasing after people's pain just to see I can do nothing?But a voice deep inside let's me know I do it for those who do make it.The scared children in car accents, the elderly who slipped and fall.Just I am really starting to hate fighting against death.  
  
_He wanted to believe  
In the dreams he held so dear  
He swam against the tide  
But he was drowning in his fear_

Do insurance accents or nanny's think about their lives and more importantly deaths?I have to, I mean how can't I when it's all I know?Good will always triumph over evil. Or I have been told that.If it' true I don't want to say, but I have my doubts.  
  
_Along the lost horizon   
The goal keep shrinking down in size  
It's been night so long now  
He doesn't think the sun will rise_

Taking one last glance onto the nameless stranger, who will sadly in all likely hood remain Jane Doe; I leave the room.Screams from an argument fill the hallway located behind a door on the other side.Never stops, the screaming, death, lies, an endless cycle.I ignore it while hoping that they don't need paramedic or police assistance later on.  
  
_And he asks  
Is this all there is   
There must be something more  
There must be a better place_

On nights like this the idea of becoming one of those insurance salesmen sounds pretty damn nice.Put in my two-week notice and join Sarah and become like those people on TV shows.Married, kids, supper ready to be eaten when you walk into the door, and everything is solved in a half an hour.Does that world exist?  
  
_Looking for another world  
I'm not sure we should  
I'm not sure salvation lies there_

Carlos is sitting behind the heel; I'm not in the mood to tell him to move.So I grant him permission to drive away.The streets are empty, even the usual midnight crowd was gone.Nothing belonged in this world that I knew of.  
  
_There is bad as well as good  
Let us love each other now  
As if this world is all there is_

She would never be whole again, never would speak again.If I had known her before could I have been her savior?Or would I have I had past judgment like all the rest before?What I would like to say I would of done is nothing but a lie.But why?At what point did I become better than anyone else?Or was I too busy locked up inside of myself to see it swallow me whole?  
  
_Lying here beside you  
I wonder what will become of us  
Of you and me  
Ooh of all of us_

Carlos tries to speak to me, I don't know why or about what.There just sounds with no meaning or substance.Does he feel the way I do?Try to find solutions to the world's trouble?Or I am the only superman left here?Too bad I still have to learn how to fly.  
  
_So many dangers  
Ooooh  
So much at stake_

Knifes, guns, hands all equal death.All equal another way to show you're the bigger man.And I have to clean up the pieces while trying not to pass judgment.  
  
_I'm scared of what I can not see  
My love I am so scared_

Of this world and how I will never understand it.Even on happy ending calls all I can think about is one day they'll die too.And I hate that!  
  
_I'll help you if I can  
I believe I've got to try  
We all have our parts to play   
And I am playing mine_

But who will help me?Who will teach me that I can't blame myself for every lost victim?So I just ride around with my black bag desperate to deliver hope to those in need.It was the role I was born for.  
  
_I don't know about another world  
What beyond this curtin lies_

Not saying I like or even want it.I do at times, many times.Just not like this, nobody would want anything like this.I can't walk away because I keep on thinking to my rookie days.When I still believed in good, I keep on wishing that hope will return.  
  
_I know It's been night a long time   
But one day the sun will rise  
Yes one day the sun will rise!_

One day that day will come again.Until than I'll think about the Jane and John Doe's.The dead husbands, drunk wives and non-innocent children.Even though I hate too, but it's all I know.


End file.
